I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
