He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
