Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize