Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
