Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
