I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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