So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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