worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
