You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
