this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Randomize
