Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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