You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
