I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
