Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
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