these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
