I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm sobbing to NWA
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
