he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
