i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
