Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Randomize