Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
why do cheetos always look like penises
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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