two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Two words: blizzard sex
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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