While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
