I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
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