Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
