After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
