No awkward lesbian experiences without me
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
