I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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