i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
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