He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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