is your mom at the bar?
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
