Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
