I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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