Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
