I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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