We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
