It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I cut my penus on the lid.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
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