i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize