I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
