I'm lost and stupid without you.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Randomize
