Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
