Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize
