Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I think your dad took our porno
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
