I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
