I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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