woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
