He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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