This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
