im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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