grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
