Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
