My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
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