he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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