How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
