So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Help me help you realize you are a moron
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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