i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
