If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
