I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
