I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
